7 Ways to Have a Successful Godly Marriage
Marriage is a beautiful covenant and commitment that is made in front of God, and your loved ones, to honour, cherish, love and respect the person you’re vowing to marry. Being married is a big responsibility and isn’t just about feeling butterflies in your stomach, or going on romantic dates. Marriage is hard work. It takes two people that are willing to never give up on each other through the rough seasons of life. Committing to marriage means loving your spouse with an unconditional love, even when they make mistakes, and treating them with kindness, grace and compassion.
In today’s world, we often hear about marriages breaking down and ending in divorce, and about many couples feeling misunderstood or unhappy in their marriages, but, thank the Lord, it isn’t all doom and gloom out there! Marriage has the potential to be beautiful, supportive and deeply connected. My husband and I have been together for over a decade and we have been happily married for nearly 7 years. It hasn’t been easy, but together, with the help of Jesus, we’ve been able to build a strong and happy marriage that has gotten us through some really difficult times.
Of course, we aren’t perfect, no couple, and no human is, but if we make God the centre of our marriage, follow what His word says about being a good spouse, and implement practical, every day actions, we can all enjoy happy marriages, strong enough to weather any storms life throws our way.
These are the lessons I’ve learnt through the ups and downs of my own marriage, as well as some incredibly helpful bits of advice I’ve picked up from other successful marriages over the years, that will help your marriage blossom and truly be the best it can be.
1. Invite God into Your Marriage
We can’t have a happy and flourishing marriage without the guidance of Our Heavenly Father. Jesus is the perfect example of love, sacrifice and selflessness, which are three principles of every successful marriage. The love and unity of marriage will endure any storm, when God is at the centre of it. Just as we can’t live a successful life without the help, strength and anointing of the Lord, we can’t be successful in marriage without Him either.
As Christians, our spouses should be a big part of our prayer life. Pray for God’s blessing, anointing and protection over your spouse and your marriage. Make time to pray with your spouse and ask God to help you both to be better partners to each other. When you face the trials and challenges of life that rock your marriage, fight the spiritual battle together by declaring the word of God over your home and marriage.
It’s also important to know that you can’t change the person you’re married to. There will always be things you don’t agree on, or annoying habits that you wish your partner would change. Nagging, bitterness and anger won’t change these things and won’t change your spouse. The only one who can change people is God. Pray and ask God to work in the situation, trust Him to do what only He can do and keep being the best spouse you can be while you wait.
Genesis 2:24
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
Marriage is about unity and becoming one with your spouse as you navigate life together. Your spouse should come second only to God. When you get married, your partner becomes your family and your priority. Your parents become your distant family and your focus should be on your marriage and the life you’re building with your partner. Your marriage should even come before your children, because a happy marriage means a happy, healthy home for your children to grow up in. God works in places of unity, so make sure you and your partner are focusing on building unity and oneness into your marriage. Prioritise getting on the same page about life goals, money, healthy communication and loving each other well. As you become united as one, God will work in your marriage and bless you abundantly.
Inviting God into your marriage will help you establish a strong foundation together that can’t be broken. God will work in you both and break the chains holding you back from being fully open and vulnerable with each other. When you pray together as a married couple, and fight against the enemy together, you bring God’s power and strength into your marriage, creating a bond that will keep your marriage strong in any storm.
2. Communication is Key
Communication is what makes or breaks a marriage. If you’re constantly feeling unheard, unseen and misunderstood by the person who is supposed to know you better than anyone else, you’ll never feel happy in your marriage.
We all grow up in different environments, learning different styles of communication as we go through life. Often, we will communicate and manage conflict in the same way our parents did, which probably wasn’t the healthiest example for us to have. My parents were very hostile towards each other and very combative in the way they communicated. They also didn’t resolve anything, but instead, once they’d cooled off, they carried on like nothing had happened.
Growing up with these experiences taught me to be very harsh, stubborn and to stand my ground when I faced any form of conflict, and led to me lashing out during disagreements. I also still find it very hard to say sorry, because I never saw my parents apologise to each other after they had a fight. Unfortunately, the way my husband was taught to handle conflict was very much the same, and so, whenever we faced any disagreements during the early years of our relationship, things became very heated, very fast. The situation would always escalate and we both experienced high levels of rage and anger. We both knew it was toxic behaviour and we knew we had to change things if we wanted our relationship to last. We made a commitment to stop treating each other so badly and did the work, in ourselves and in our relationship.
Through the 10 years we’ve spent together, we’ve navigated many disagreements and have learnt to open up to each other and get real about how we’re feeling. We’re honest and transparent with each other and openly discuss when we feel disappointed because of what the other person has or hasn’t done. We’ve created a safe space in our marriage, where we can discuss anything with one another, in a mature and calm manner, without any judgement. If one of us feels we’re losing our cool, we have space and time apart to decompress and then come together to calmly continue the discussion until the situation is resolved.
The key to healthy communication is listening to understand what your partner is telling you, instead of listening, getting triggered, and then responding by shutting down, or shouting at them without any empathy or care. In arguments, we’re often waiting with a list of things to use against our spouse to make sure they know they’re in the wrong and we aren’t, but that isn’t going to resolve any conflict, it just makes things worse. It also makes things worse when you try avoid conflict and choose to withdraw instead. Pretending the issue isn’t there, or trying to shove it under the carpet, isn’t going to fix anything, it actually just leads to resentment and bitterness.
Disagreements and conflict are impossible to avoid in a marriage, because we all have our own opinions and feelings, and we all see things differently, and that’s okay. We need to create an environment of safety and trust in our marriages and make space for our partners to have their own views and boundaries, without us feeling like it’s a personal attack. When you give your spouse space to express their feelings without interrupting them, and then choose to respond in a calm and loving way, they feel heard and understood and you can resolve conflict in a healthy way that will allow your marriage to grow in strength, love and endurance.
3. Serve One Another
Life is tough. There are times when we feel run down, burnt out and overwhelmed by everything that life comes with. At times, it feels like we aren’t strong enough to face another trial or another challenge, even when we are trusting God to help us through. Moments like these are when a supportive, Godly marriage can truly be a life-saver.
When you base your marriage on serving one another and being there to support each other no matter how difficult life gets, your relationship with your spouse can give you the courage and strength to push through the trials. When you feel protected, safe and fully supported by your spouse, you can let your walls down and accept help when you need it. You don’t have to try power through life and prove that you can handle it all on your own, because when you know you can trust and rely on your spouse to help carry the load, life becomes lighter and easier to manage.
Even when life is going well and you’re not facing any trials, a marriage that’s based on serving one another makes life even better. If you treat each other with love, kindness and respect and both place one another’s needs before your own, your marriage will truly thrive. It’s no longer about what you can get out of the marriage, but what you can give. Even if it takes a while for your spouse to get on board and for your needs to be met, if you humbly sow seeds of serving, kindness and respect, God will be faithful and reward you with the same treatment from your spouse, in His perfect timing. Wives are called to respect and submit to their husbands as the heads of the household, which means speaking to them with respect and appreciating them through love and kindness. Husbands are called to love their wives as deeply as Jesus loves the church, which means sacrificing themselves because of the deep love they have for their wives. When husbands and wives love and serve each other according to these Bible-based principles found in Ephesians chapter 5, a marriage will always flourish and be blessed.
When it comes to serving in a marriage, love languages play a vital role in showing your partner love the way they need to receive it. My husband loves receiving compliments and words that build him up, because his love language is words of affirmation, whereas, my love language is physical touch, so I love cuddles and holding hands. If you’ve never taken a test to find out what yours, and your partners, love languages are, you can do this here. It’s important to know what to do to show your spouse love through their love language, but it’s just as important to know what not to do. For someone that needs words of affirmation, being critical and harsh with the things they do wrong can cause damage, and for someone that needs physical touch, it can hurt them and cause feelings of rejection when you shove their hand aside.
We all give and receive love in different ways, that’s why healthy communication and being open and honest with your spouse is so important in a marriage, because sometimes our partners aren’t even aware of the things they do that bother us the most, or even why it bothers us in the first place. Marriage is about give and take, but when you focus on serving and being generous to your spouse and loving them in a way that the Bible tells us to, God will make sure to give you what you need in return and your marriage will be happy and successful.
4. Agree on the Finances
Financial pressures and disagreements about finances create a huge strain on many marriages. Money is a topic that a lot of people feel uncomfortable with, but for the sake of your marriage, and your finances, this is something that can’t be avoided. Money affects every marriage, but you can choose if it affects yours in a good, or bad way.
According to the Bible, married couples are to be united as one. If we apply this principle to finances in marriage, this means that whatever income is brought into the marriage, should be united and thought of as one. There will always be one partner that earns more than the other in a marriage, and if all bills are just split down the middle, one will always be left with less than the other. This creates disunity, resentment and a feeling of you vs. me in a marriage. Marriage is about partnership and teamwork. If finances are kept separate, teamwork is replaced by individuality, but when you join finances with your spouse, you’re partnering together and building wealth, emergency savings and a fun fund based on goals that you create together as a team.
We all need money to pay bills, have fun, help others and prepare for the future. Tension comes in when we can’t get on the same page with our spouse about how we’re going to split those things. Some of us are spenders, some of us are savers and some of us are somewhere in between. The way we view money is shaped from how we grew up and the experiences we’ve had around money. If you grew up hearing “Money doesn’t grow on trees.”, or “I work so hard and get so little.”, you’ve probably been conditioned to think money is hard to get, so you save it all up, just to be safe. If your partner got given everything they ever wanted, without ever hearing about money, they’ve probably be conditioned to be a spender, because they’ve never had to save for what they wanted.
The Bible talks a lot about money, so I think it’s one of the most important areas to gain wisdom in as a believer. Use money as a tool to make your life better, don’t turn it into an idol. Trust God as your provider to bless you with financial overflow and abundance, but steward His provision well by giving and helping others. Stay out of debt as much as possible, and don’t co-sign for someone else’s debt either. These are all Biblical-based money principles that will help you manage your finances in a Godly way.
It’s important for all married couples to talk openly about money, and to learn to compromise about how your household income will be used, so both partners are happy. If you’re looking for advice on how to get out of debt, manage your budget wisely and start building wealth as a couple, I’d highly recommend Dave Ramsey’s book The Total Money Makeover, as well as I Will Teach You to be Rich by Ramit Sethi. Ramit also has a book dedicated to managing finances as a couple, called Money for Couples.
5. Heal Together
We all carry pain, sadness and trauma from our past experiences into every relationship we have, including our marriage. When we feel unsafe or unprotected, the trauma we carry inside comes out in ways we aren’t even aware of. These subconscious actions can cause serious damage to your marriage, if left unchecked. Our spouses also carry their own hurts and traumas and also do things, unknowingly, to protect themselves from getting hurt again. Most of the time, these actions are really frustrating, and can create barriers that prevent marriages from having deeper connections.
To truly understand why you do the things you do in any relationship, you need to get to the root of any hurts you’re holding onto and bring it all to God. Ask God to work in you, shine His love over you and to heal you from any trauma you are carrying. If you need to, get extra help and support from loved ones, or reach out to a Christian counsellor. Any unhealed trauma becomes a barrier between you and your partner, preventing you from being able to fully open up to each other.
For a marriage to be deeply connected and rooted in trust, both spouses need to be fully vulnerable and open with one another. This can be one of the most scary and difficult things to do, especially because trauma often causes serious trust issues. Create a safe space in your marriage by encouraging your spouse when they’re struggling and open up to them about challenges you’re facing. Once you feel safe enough, open up to your spouse about the really difficult things of your past and allow your marriage to become a space of healing, compassion and love.
This is what truly made the bond between my husband and myself so strong. We had long, meaningful conversations, where we opened up to one another about the childhood trauma we had both experienced. By becoming vulnerable with each other, we felt safe and accepted in our marriage. We were both able to reflect on the way we acted in certain situations and traced it all back to fear and insecurity from unhealed trauma. We did the work, individually and as a couple, we prayed and asked God to heal us, and we created a safe, deeply connected marriage that we both feel supported in.
Allow your spouse to comfort you through your journey of healing. Open up to them about the pain and hurts you’ve been through and be a safe space for them to do the same. Hold compassion and empathy for each other. As you heal together, and make space for one another to feel safe, secure and accepted, you will create a strong, deeply connected marriage that you can both depend on.
6. Becoming One – Learning to Compromise
Learning to compromise can be one of the most difficult, but rewarding things we’ll ever have to do to have a successful marriage. Getting our own way, winning arguments and proving we’re right is something all of us struggle with. Pride, ego and selfishness take over and we dig our heels in to prove our point, until we bully or manipulate the other person to give in to what we want.
The problem with this is, marriage is about being a team. If you’re so focused on what you want, or proving that you’re right, you’re not focusing on what’s good for your spouse, or your marriage. How do you think your spouse feels when you bully or manipulate them to get your own way, or when you’re so focused on proving your point that you actually make them feel stupid or belittled?
Dale Carnegie, the famous author of How to Win Friends and Influence People, once said, “You cannot win an argument. Even if you win the argument, you lose the person.” This is basically saying that if you get so focused on winning an argument, you end up damaging the relationship you have with the person you’re arguing with. You end up hurting them, breaking their trust and eventually, losing them. Take the time to stop and realise that winning every single argument or getting your way all the time, isn’t worth ruining your marriage in the process.
The only way to win in marriage, is if both spouses feel validated, heard and understood. This is where the awesome power of compromise comes in. If you and your spouse are disagreeing about how to move forward with something, don’t do anything until you’ve discussed the matter together, in a mature and calm way. Agree to a compromise that you’re both happy with and then move forward together. Unity is essential in a successful marriage. You need to work as a team and have one another’s best interests at heart. Don’t do things if you know it’ll hurt or upset your partner. When you’re truly united and focusing on what’s best for your marriage, your partner will feel safe, secure and loved, which is what marriage is all about.
Compromising and coming to a mutual agreement with your spouse may feel like you’re not winning, but your marriage is winning every time you do this. When you put what’s best for the marriage ahead of what’s best for you as an individual, you are being the spouse that God asks you to be.
Philippians 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.
7. Have Fun!
Don’t forget one of the most important things that helps a marriage to flourish and be happy – have fun together! Plan fun outings or activities that you enjoy doing with one another. For my husband and I, we have fun by travelling to new countries and exploring new places together. We also love hiking, swimming in the sea and doing home workouts with each other.
There’s so many ways to have fun with your spouse if you make it a priority in your marriage. The competitive edge that comes out when you play games together can add flirtatious and fun vibes to any date night. Getting dirty in the mud while hiking together or splashing each other in the pool can make you feel like teenagers in love. Build a fort together, for adults only, and have fun making out. This is how you keep the fun and romance alive. Marriage doesn’t need to be dull and serious all the time, of course there are times you need to connect seriously and communicate issues, but there has to be balance. Make fun a priority in your marriage and watch how your marriage will blossom into one that is happy and enjoyable!
Our relationship with our spouse is one of the most important relationships we will ever have. Your spouse is the one that knows everything about you, good and bad, and still chooses to love you and live life by your side. They are the ones that will go through the toughest moments of your life, supporting you and holding your hand. Your spouse will experience life with you in a way that no one else ever will. The person you marry influences your life in so many different ways, and your marriage can either be a source of joy, or a source of pain. God intended for marriage to be a beautiful union of two souls becoming so closely connected, that they become one. If you commit to making God the centre of your marriage, communicate openly and serve one another, compromise and focus on getting onto the same page and prioritise having fun together, your marriage can flourish and be happy and joyful – just the way God intended it to be!
